Happy chinese new year

It took me three attempts to log into this. It really shows the length of time i'm off.
The year has come and gone, but the chinese says, 7th or 8th February is the official Chinese time that the new year has begun. So as it says, whatever you see on the horoscope or your tukang tilik tells you about your luck this year. It should start, emm.. yea right about now. :)

And its the time of the year where people start asking you when are you getting married or when are you having kids. It comes in a package with the angpow, take the monies and be nag for 5 seconds. Hmm.. small matter lah. A few friends was exchanging the what to and not to as most of them are just freshly married. Its rather interesting to see who gives in to what during CNY. It really takes two to come into consent. Believe it or not, CNY traditions can break, sour-ese two person.

This year would be slightly different for me. One week in Penang, four days in Bangkok. The boy thinks it would be good to just getaway. Life is pretty good these days, it felt like there isn't much to rant about. I hope i don't speak too soon tho.

Till then, Happy Chinese New Year!!
Ang Pow Na Lai!!

WAH WAH WAH
Time literally flew passed. Last entry in October, and now its the last month of the year.
Christmas is slowly seeping in.. trees, trims, deco, music.. and presents to get.

While sitting at starbucks, the christmas song were actually soothing and the jolly anticipation of holidays is growing on and on and on. I cannot wait for the long holidays to come. To just sit down, off the phone, laze around, eat and be merry, no work in sight.

So much have change the past few months. Office environment, people in people out, go here and there... Life is full of changes isn't it, uncertainties...
I've learned this year, to love oneself more. Unknowingly, it has become an automated feeling. Good or bad, i don't know. But it helps with taking one step at a time, self protect.

This upcoming project is literally making me crazy. I cannot wait for it to end! Hoping it will all come to a halt this Saturday. Or else, it'll make me crazier. I can't say i hate life as it is, i don't love it either. As it will the time creeping up...

I wish you a blessed CHRISTMAS in advance, before i start dissapearing from the face of the earth. :)

Happy Halloween!

It has been a while since the last post. Much have changed, much have moved on. Its scary when you look at your calender, its November already and we're doing themes for Chinese New Year. Its my 3rd Chinese New Year here, and thus far, this is the longest serving company for me. Well, not many to compare either. I foresee more to change... :)

Cheers

Its still the wee AM now. It would be another sleepless night.
The mind will not rest, it would just not stay still.
It wonders to the far end of every corner, tensed every nerves.
Eating up slowly inside, yearning for answers.
If only theres a lifebook to refer to.
To take it or leave it. To ignore it or accept it.
It sounds as easy, but it never is.

After 24 hours of thoughts, i'm still blank.

sitting at my all time favourite coffee joint, sipping my all time favourite chai.
Nothing beats this moment. Without any idea on how I ended up my journey here.
A place I somehow take refuge. I really should be somewhere right now.
To do stuff which I have been procrastinating for the longest time now.
So, pardon my weight gain. It will be 'normal' soon enough.
It was tougher waking up in the morning. Intended to just wrap around the blanket
The whole day, of cos to no avail. Flashings of experience kept haunting
My withered soul.
I fight to differ. Fight to erase. Fight to overcome.

Seeing folks happily shopping, wishing one another.
The happiness filled. Not only its a holiday, its a time to be happy and celebrate.
Buying things they like, families together. The love I felt.

I wonder and ponder as I sit here catching up with my mind.
However calming it would usually be, it became stressfully gruesome to even think
Of sorting it out. Sometimes, we don't even know what we want.
One thing I know for sure, I did not regret getting bb.
Its the best thing that ever did come into my life.

You too of course. But you caused me much worries and uncertainties.

Signing out from the coffee joint

Will being patient pay off at the end of the day?
Or will it just leave us as direction-less as ever.



I sat still on the bed beside the window looking at the vastness of taipei city.
A place i never thought i will step in. And here i am, breathing their air.
The walk nearly killed me, but it was all worth it.
Did stuff that i only saw on the tele. Ate like a wildboar and drank like a camel.
It all did me good, instead of putting on weight, it burned away.
Healthy food, 100% pure drinks. The chinese culture.
It was my first stepping into a 'chinese-asian' community as a whole.
Impressed with the society that puts our fashion sense into shame.
Girls all made and done up wherever they go. Boys are oh so gorgeous.
Of course, not everyone but it was definately an eye washer.



Would definately go back again. Not so soon but will again.

I have come to miss this place. People i travelled with. Without any worries. With my phone off-ed. Papaya Milk. Gorgeous people everywhere. Cheap clothes. Fake eyelashes. :)

Its all destined. The previous post i wanted to publish died on me TWICE. Oh well, you suckers out there, take it as a means of saving your asses. :)
In real life, i'm actually not that vulgar. :p

A comment made to me not too long time ago was, i though you were very loud and whiney in real life judging on your facebook. It seems i am LOUD and WHINEY! yeesh.. i prolly am! such disgrace.. muahahah...

As painful as it can be, reasoning, denial till no end.
its all I can give. I want to, I need to, I must.
This is as much as I could give. You, me and everybody.

I heart you, left me in the dark.
Could it even be? Its only been a short while.
This is as much as it gets. I'm tired.
I wake up wanting not to go to you,
Wanting not to feel you,
Wanting not to have anything to do with you.
This is as good as it gets.

I will leave heartless.

Its been a while, falling short of time in everything i do.
Everytime when i think things are getting better, it just turn out worst than before.
This year in particular, i know not why but one crisis after another bad news keep stirring.
Its been a tough and bumpy road. But to think of it, who had it smooth all the way anyway.
As compared, this year have been tough.
Recently, its tougher.
A blow to the head and ego. Kaching! my face have tickened by 2 inch.

I wonder i know who i am anymore.

Sitting at a mamak stall sipping a glass of teh-o-ais.
We pondered on how 'sorted' our lives werent. Comparing amongst peers, probably the rated way below sorted. Does sorted merely means courtship, dating, marriage, children, family. Literally in that order? Somehow we are amazed by how sorted people can be. Thus making us question on our normality. The subject came and went. Sorted or not, we are happy people.

Browsing through Yasmin Ahmad's blog, and what people say and talk about her. Despite crude remarks, hindrances, trials in her life. She strived till the last end. After reading it all, realising that Japan, France, Hong Kong, Taiwan and even our neighboring country Singapore giving her thumbs up and awards for her short films, being also directing the Petronas muhibbah ads. Knowned for her sentiments for unity, Malaysia recognised none. Low to a point, when one wants to buy tickets to the show, you get a nonchalant reply "sudah habis". Its sad really.

When a situation arises, we do damage control.

This time, i'm the problem. Needing damage control.

Like a humty dumpty thrown from the wall, shattered to pieces.

With people rushing to plaster it all up again.

They got up, pat each other's back on the good job patching.

Mindless on the damaged done.

Can it revive humty dumpty's smooth porcelain shell...

Can it really be as before.

However, it was humpty's fault of even thinking of sitting on the wall.

Ya, humpty probably deserves it.

Believing that theres always a reason when two person's life crosses.

Out of billions of people in this world, knowing one another is 'yuen fen'.

Be it a friend's friend, a cousin's friend or some stranger that somehow is at where you were.

Call me crazy.

Some are just aquaintances, some are good friends, some are soul mates.

Longing to be understood, longing not to be misundertood. Not all will understand.

Living in a diversified world with diversed people, its drama.

A friend can be a friend, can be just a friend. Soul mates reaches to the inner being of oneself,

able to accept, being able to entwined. It reaches far further than skin deep.

Its corny. yes.

Stunned, Shocked, Taken back..
Whatever expression that best suit the situation. Almost 2 years here, it's prolly the first encounter of most meeting the verbal pessimist psycho in me. All due respect, i don't go around parading the extend of seriousness or harshness or whatever you call it. As a matter of fact hardly do it at work, rather more with friends. :p too bad Jose..

Someone was kind enough to ask was anything wrong. Snickering to myself, if i ignore, you think i don't care enough. If i care, you think i've got something wrong. Being considered a newbie, i might not know the back alley structure, odd enough, care not i. Feed me.. if its good and healthy i'll take it. If not, i'll find another feeder myself.

Its always a crescendo learning, being thrown in the middle of the sea. We all learned the survival skills, thats probably the best learning ground. From the lowest ground training up till learning from the top. When the cycle repeats itself, it's prolly time to move on.

I do bark. I do loud. I do scream. I do whine. I do retaliate. I do defend. I do have an opinion. I do rationalise.
Correct me if i'm wrong. Bark at me if you think it's silliness and carelessness.
Not being loud doesn't mean i don't have a mind.
I may be retarded, but i'm not stupid.

Ya, don't hire me. I'll prolly screw you too after 2 years.

I thought and think and thought and think.. it is an neverending cycle.
Cause it will somehow happen all over again. Karma?
What goes around comes around whether you like it or not.
Its utter malufying when it comes biting back.
Knowing that you can do nuts about it. Cause it's payback time.
Guilt torture.

Its not to the extend that its life threatening,
Just enough to distrupt your life, make you feel miserable,
Hurt you, make you cry, feeling small, lonely and weak.
Dragging to the lowest point and till the time you gather the courage to face it all.
Then, its bounce back time!

Acting as if nothing happened helps.
Eventhough its self denial, the mask makes life much easier.
Since when it became such hassle, provoking such complication.
It probably comes with growing up.

So you think you know me?

Its more self-discovery than anything else. Hit me more when the person verbally confirmed my egos, alter-egos and finally uttering the 'other' side which no one except my two besties dare to go.

Obvious enough that i am always being misunderstood. I look one kind, talk another kind, and do some other kind. So which kind am i really? i sometimes get confused as well.

So, i succumbed to the tests on facebook. Hold your mouth before you taruh me with 'you study psychology..' Of course, the Myers-Briggs and what not, i've taken it all, its part of studying it then. A bit slow i know, but discovering oneself and its weakness, it took me a while.

Dunno who created this, but i took it and went... ah.. that probably summed up people can't wait to assassinate me. I go either extreme.
After all the yadas of the test, basically its as below...
Strengths: Success Orientated – Concerned – Caring
Weaknesses: Insecure – Pessimistic – Isolated

Probably should add 'sometimes a bit devilish also'. It takes a lifetime to get to know a person. Hearing and experiencing, ha 'you are not what i though you are' is getting more and more frequent. Cannot withstand another comment coming out from my partner especially. It ticks me off so bad that it smells bad too. :)

It is prolly a wise thing to befriend and understand the lifestyle and a total whole the other person is before proceeding. Ah, i guess you know now. FOR I HAVE SUCCUMBED.. muahahahaha..

17 again

Never was a movie buff. Somehow its unavoidable especially its a blockbuster where it would be the talk of the town. Gotten the privilege to have friends who are movie buffs and is kind enough to include me in, i strolled and rolled. Somehow, i've come to appreciate the time in the cinema. Some movies are plain wasting time, but some have a lesson to learn or a wake up call.

This week, it was hannah montana, transformers and 17 again. Transformers was a hit then for us kids. With its animated series, on a saturday before ballet class, i would be glued to the television watching optimus doing his 'save the humankind' 'more than meets the eyes' gig. Thus long, transformers 2 not only made me tear also, it was just utterly amazing. No, no spoiler. My lips are sealed. This is a movie i will be revisiting soon enough.

Zac Efron in 17again did not give me the utter amazing feeling. However, it tickled a part of me. If i would to go back time and relive it, would it be any different? My stand and decision i've made thus far, would it still stand then? Regret what have not been done?

When i got home, didn't think much till a friend told me that he was a bit down after the show. Being a person he is, he thought and thought about it and probably regret somethings in the past. But he determines to strive on for his future. As i thought about my past, so much reconcilation to do. Regrets? i grew up with it. Falling down, picking myself up, moving on, its oh so common. I still don't know would i change anything if i go back to the times. Else, i wouldn't be who i am right now.

17again, eventhough Zac went back, he still made the same crucial decision. Sometimes, its not the point of decision making that is mind boggling or hard, its the process after that.

It sucks to be in denial. Saying the total opposite, action entirely different, pumming up excuses and best is non-sensical reasoning.

How long can we mask and shun away from the surroundings?
How far can we go?
How many more excuses can you make up?

It was at the tip of my tongue, wanted to blurt it out so badly that the mind was loosing control. Getting sandwich in taboo conversations, I can’t just hold it back. I have also my two cents worth. My opinions do meant something, at least it make sense to me.

Torned in between two who meant most to me, I can’t decide. Stingy or selfish it may be, I want both. Can’t they compromise? For my mind sake at least. Er.. No. Time has change, no longer were we confined to a certain mindset. Open, comtemporarised, fore-forward, futuristic we are, never forgetting roots that’s for sure. So many emotions lingering in the mind, but words just couldn’t form. Hating it when its like this, cause at the end, I eat my own shit, drown in my own sorrow.

Praying hard the time will come that it will be all alright.

There is no excuse that you didn’t see me there. At the corner of my eyes, I knew you were peeping through the almost non existent crowd. It should have not ended this way, but you knew it couldn’t. If only…, i could still be your friend. At least, you looked contented with the lady beside you.

Finally got the taste of the medicine handsome have been on the past year. Everyone knows exercise or gym-going isn’t my forte but I reckon its time to do something about the weight. It was nothing calming about body step, moving up down left right with the booming soundtrack. I wish I knew the step already. Eventhough its nothing like the yoga sessions, body step is actually quite revitalizing. Unbelievable it may be coming out from teohmaymay, but it actually is.

So many words… sigh. I can blah on and on and on and on and on… but i’ll save myself from writing more embarrassing, idiotic and thoughtless thoughts.

Cheers

Burned ego

I burned a man's ego today.

It all started with the pressure of sales not being good. It was actually very dissapointing.
The deejay's mom went admitted into hospital, very sick. He had to go.
So thus leaving 30,000 square feet to this man. Just came back from London,
the mixture of slangs was not understandable to most Malaysians.
Boss pulled me aside and say this cannot go on, you must do it.
Plainly because big bos is coming. Already stationed at a place to do a pathetic redemption.
The mike was taken from the man and given to me.
With questions in his eyes, and wondering mind, i daren't even go close to him, instead i walked away holding his job in my hands.

I felt bad. Very bad.

Nobody had the guts to tell him why, nobody took the effort. I wish i did now. Too late.

I did as i was told till my big boss left. Thinking i was relieved, it didn't.
Knowing not where to hide my face, how to react to it all. I meekly uttered i'm sorry. Couldn't even look straight into his eyes.
Now wishing i could have told him more, how much i really am apologetic to him.
I could see how hard he was trying, but somehow it just didn't worked.

I burned his ego today.
And i hate it cause i'm a part of it.

Continuation of strangling

Some people say 'm easy to work with, some people say they hate my guts, some people say i spoilt the market, some people say i do things too fast...
Today, someone told me the person beside her while putting down the phone turned to her and said..

"er.. i think right, may may shouted and she's angry "

Doormat i can be, if a difference and a smooth transition it is. Flaring up is not part of the option, somehow it'll just make things worst. Well, i did the worst today. I flared, i swear, i cursed.
Tiga dalam satu conversation, one line, in five minutes. And goodness, it lasted for the day. Complaining like never before, i saw myself turning into someone else. I got scared.

Of course, until i saw my darling friend. His presence somehow turned it around.
Comparing my headaches and his, mine is probably nothing. zilch.
Viewing my seemingly big problems, his is costing him his entire empire.
Sitting back looking at his eye bags, sore body, tired and weariness,
what am i sitting in the office for whole 3 days screaming through the phone commanding for immediate change and finalisation. I felt small and somewhat stupid.