Death, Dying

I wonder today, how I would die. If I have a say in choosing how I’m gonna end my life, I want it quick and painless. Too bad, I don’t have any say in this. Of cos, I can choose to lead a healthier lifestyle. Where would it lead me to? Longer life? I’m not too sure of that. Who can be sure? Healthy people do get sick too.

In a morbid mood no doubt.

Came across someone who worked in a karaoke lounge. Recently found out she’s HIV positive. The desperate need for help, the pain in her eyes, the sleepless nights all written out on her face. My heart cried out for her. She stood far aside from us, avoiding any close body contact. She speculates the gesture of people around her, conscious of her disease, she draws herself further and further away.

There must have been a reason, a ‘whys’ to everything that is happening. Her man pacing up and down, anxious to find a way out, a way out of all this mess. His red droopy eyes, wrinkled face, a tear at the edge of his eyes somehow stayed there unable to let it flow down his cheeks.

People say she got herself into it. Ever consider did she really want to work in dodgy places with dodgy people strolling in and out? Who would in their right mind want to anyway?

Avoiding eyes contact, she uttered a few words from afar. The more we walk closer to her, the more she stepped back. The man continued with the talking, explaining the pain she is experiencing, pleading the doctor to just take a look at her wound. “Just take a look, please..”

Following protocol and guidelines set for us, kindly, we had to reject. The disappointment showed visibly in the man’s eyes as he tried pleading again. He knows, we aren’t able to do much at this stage.

Imagine, just imagine a day, 24 hours you can’t sleep or sit due to the excruciating pain around your bowel, you sit because you are tired of the standing. You sit for 10 minutes amidst the pain and stand up again. And in any expressive verb I know, I can’t seem to find another word more painful than excruciating. But excruciating just doesn’t seem to justify the pain.

Talking to them, I feel the pain. But it’s all psychological. Physical? I scream when my toe is hit by a humongous padlock. I cried in pain when I sorta had appendix. But its incomparable. Just incomparable. We take paracetamol or most we take tramadol (i don't know any more painkillers name) they take morphine, no means to even compare.

Sitting in front of the computer, trying to work. Of cos, there is so much to do. Launch is next month and I have yet to even secure a venue and forget about whats on the menu, cause i haven't gone that far.

I just needed to get this out of my system. It’s bothering me way to much. I wish I was stronger.