So you think you know me?

Its more self-discovery than anything else. Hit me more when the person verbally confirmed my egos, alter-egos and finally uttering the 'other' side which no one except my two besties dare to go.

Obvious enough that i am always being misunderstood. I look one kind, talk another kind, and do some other kind. So which kind am i really? i sometimes get confused as well.

So, i succumbed to the tests on facebook. Hold your mouth before you taruh me with 'you study psychology..' Of course, the Myers-Briggs and what not, i've taken it all, its part of studying it then. A bit slow i know, but discovering oneself and its weakness, it took me a while.

Dunno who created this, but i took it and went... ah.. that probably summed up people can't wait to assassinate me. I go either extreme.
After all the yadas of the test, basically its as below...
Strengths: Success Orientated – Concerned – Caring
Weaknesses: Insecure – Pessimistic – Isolated

Probably should add 'sometimes a bit devilish also'. It takes a lifetime to get to know a person. Hearing and experiencing, ha 'you are not what i though you are' is getting more and more frequent. Cannot withstand another comment coming out from my partner especially. It ticks me off so bad that it smells bad too. :)

It is prolly a wise thing to befriend and understand the lifestyle and a total whole the other person is before proceeding. Ah, i guess you know now. FOR I HAVE SUCCUMBED.. muahahahaha..

17 again

Never was a movie buff. Somehow its unavoidable especially its a blockbuster where it would be the talk of the town. Gotten the privilege to have friends who are movie buffs and is kind enough to include me in, i strolled and rolled. Somehow, i've come to appreciate the time in the cinema. Some movies are plain wasting time, but some have a lesson to learn or a wake up call.

This week, it was hannah montana, transformers and 17 again. Transformers was a hit then for us kids. With its animated series, on a saturday before ballet class, i would be glued to the television watching optimus doing his 'save the humankind' 'more than meets the eyes' gig. Thus long, transformers 2 not only made me tear also, it was just utterly amazing. No, no spoiler. My lips are sealed. This is a movie i will be revisiting soon enough.

Zac Efron in 17again did not give me the utter amazing feeling. However, it tickled a part of me. If i would to go back time and relive it, would it be any different? My stand and decision i've made thus far, would it still stand then? Regret what have not been done?

When i got home, didn't think much till a friend told me that he was a bit down after the show. Being a person he is, he thought and thought about it and probably regret somethings in the past. But he determines to strive on for his future. As i thought about my past, so much reconcilation to do. Regrets? i grew up with it. Falling down, picking myself up, moving on, its oh so common. I still don't know would i change anything if i go back to the times. Else, i wouldn't be who i am right now.

17again, eventhough Zac went back, he still made the same crucial decision. Sometimes, its not the point of decision making that is mind boggling or hard, its the process after that.

It sucks to be in denial. Saying the total opposite, action entirely different, pumming up excuses and best is non-sensical reasoning.

How long can we mask and shun away from the surroundings?
How far can we go?
How many more excuses can you make up?

It was at the tip of my tongue, wanted to blurt it out so badly that the mind was loosing control. Getting sandwich in taboo conversations, I can’t just hold it back. I have also my two cents worth. My opinions do meant something, at least it make sense to me.

Torned in between two who meant most to me, I can’t decide. Stingy or selfish it may be, I want both. Can’t they compromise? For my mind sake at least. Er.. No. Time has change, no longer were we confined to a certain mindset. Open, comtemporarised, fore-forward, futuristic we are, never forgetting roots that’s for sure. So many emotions lingering in the mind, but words just couldn’t form. Hating it when its like this, cause at the end, I eat my own shit, drown in my own sorrow.

Praying hard the time will come that it will be all alright.

There is no excuse that you didn’t see me there. At the corner of my eyes, I knew you were peeping through the almost non existent crowd. It should have not ended this way, but you knew it couldn’t. If only…, i could still be your friend. At least, you looked contented with the lady beside you.

Finally got the taste of the medicine handsome have been on the past year. Everyone knows exercise or gym-going isn’t my forte but I reckon its time to do something about the weight. It was nothing calming about body step, moving up down left right with the booming soundtrack. I wish I knew the step already. Eventhough its nothing like the yoga sessions, body step is actually quite revitalizing. Unbelievable it may be coming out from teohmaymay, but it actually is.

So many words… sigh. I can blah on and on and on and on and on… but i’ll save myself from writing more embarrassing, idiotic and thoughtless thoughts.

Cheers

Burned ego

I burned a man's ego today.

It all started with the pressure of sales not being good. It was actually very dissapointing.
The deejay's mom went admitted into hospital, very sick. He had to go.
So thus leaving 30,000 square feet to this man. Just came back from London,
the mixture of slangs was not understandable to most Malaysians.
Boss pulled me aside and say this cannot go on, you must do it.
Plainly because big bos is coming. Already stationed at a place to do a pathetic redemption.
The mike was taken from the man and given to me.
With questions in his eyes, and wondering mind, i daren't even go close to him, instead i walked away holding his job in my hands.

I felt bad. Very bad.

Nobody had the guts to tell him why, nobody took the effort. I wish i did now. Too late.

I did as i was told till my big boss left. Thinking i was relieved, it didn't.
Knowing not where to hide my face, how to react to it all. I meekly uttered i'm sorry. Couldn't even look straight into his eyes.
Now wishing i could have told him more, how much i really am apologetic to him.
I could see how hard he was trying, but somehow it just didn't worked.

I burned his ego today.
And i hate it cause i'm a part of it.

Continuation of strangling

Some people say 'm easy to work with, some people say they hate my guts, some people say i spoilt the market, some people say i do things too fast...
Today, someone told me the person beside her while putting down the phone turned to her and said..

"er.. i think right, may may shouted and she's angry "

Doormat i can be, if a difference and a smooth transition it is. Flaring up is not part of the option, somehow it'll just make things worst. Well, i did the worst today. I flared, i swear, i cursed.
Tiga dalam satu conversation, one line, in five minutes. And goodness, it lasted for the day. Complaining like never before, i saw myself turning into someone else. I got scared.

Of course, until i saw my darling friend. His presence somehow turned it around.
Comparing my headaches and his, mine is probably nothing. zilch.
Viewing my seemingly big problems, his is costing him his entire empire.
Sitting back looking at his eye bags, sore body, tired and weariness,
what am i sitting in the office for whole 3 days screaming through the phone commanding for immediate change and finalisation. I felt small and somewhat stupid.

I lost my motto. Somehow it didn't come automatically.
I have been sitting on my chair for three whole days in the office.
Since day one i was here, i did only one mailer. The whole world
knows how i loathe sitting one place the entire day, jadi gurubesar
check words to word holding a red pen circling mistakes.
I am not only not good in that, i hate it which makes it worse.

Events, media planning, circulation, partners...
give me any of those i gladly do. Working at wee hours doing a
guru besar's job or setting up or dismantling. I rather do the later.
It is testing my patience. Its up to my neck, i lost my cool this morning.

Somehow, its not only anger, its a slight dissapointment.

When words are concern, they do not hold liable to any uttered.
A lesson painfully learned, once bitten twice shy.
It really shouldn't be categorised by gender. Human in generally should be blamed.
Who hold to the words uttered, who hold on to the promises...

By saying or promising was prolly the way to your heart.
Not many are stupid enough to say things you want not to hear.
You happy, i happy, ok la.
"pluck the moon for you" ok, this is old school..
"I want to hold this hand forever"
"this is the finger that i will put the ring"
"do you want to move in with me"
"can't wait to be with you forever"
and the most irritating of all... "i love you"

LOVE LOVE LOVE. The four letter word.
It means the world to some, its meaningless to some.
The intensity of the word, not all can understand.
Defining it may vary even.
To me, its unconditional. Don't mind me, but as the
bible writes..
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I'm not trying to be holier than art thou, but it defines
the intensity of it. Think more than just a contemporary 'love' relationship.
It has to go beyond that isn't it? Holding hands, kissing or making love.
If it can't go deeper and that, i wonder is it even worth.

If you can say it to my face or to anybody that you love that person..
i tabik. First, lesson one, love yourself.

Do we hang on too long?
Do we blind ourselves with reasons we know its not even sensible?
Do we try too hard?
Or have we even tried.

The facade potrays not whats inside, its so well hidden that no one saw through.
Bottling it all in, no one knew, no one realised.
Till the day where everything crushed in, realising there was no one she could shout to.
It all seemed sad, lonely and pathetic.
If only she could take up the phone, dial the number and just be honest.
For once, just this once.
Who is she staying strong for?
Why is she shelving herself?
Why didn't she say anything? No one knows.

Mayday, we have a problem. Just that, we don't know.
Rectify and move on! Can't sire, we can't move in.
Its locked.